During the Confession and Absolution in church on Sunday, I was thinking about my sins (I hope you also think about your sins during that part of the service!), and particularly thinking about the worst of them.
When I say “the worst,” what I mean is those times when I consciously sin, because those sins are the ones that are the most dangerous to my soul. My unconscious sins, while troublesome, are not so dangerous, and here’s why–I don’t plan them, I often don’t even know that I’m doing them, and they don’t represent a conscious choice to rebel against God. Here’s an example of an unconscious sin:
My parents married when Dad was 18, Mom was 16. Soon afterward Mom, who was not a terrifically experienced cook yet, decided she was going to bake a fresh apple pie from scratch. In fact, she made two of them, and after supper, cut a nice, big, hot slice and placed it before Dad. You need to understand that my Dad, through all his life, was an amazing eater, putting away several times as much as I’ve ever been able to, and he loved sweets. Dad looked at the pie and said, “Apple never really was my favorite pie.” At that, Mom put the slice back into the rest of the pie and carried both pies to give them to the neighbors.
I believe that Dad, then still an 18-year-old boy, really, had no idea how much effort his new wife had put into that pie, and was simply speaking matter-of-factly about his likes and dislikes. He still hurt her feelings very much (I don’t ever remember my mom making an apple pie throughout my entire childhood!), but he didn’t set out to do that. He spoke honestly and without thinking. St. Paul might say that he spoke the truth, just not in love.
On the other hand, conscious sin happens when I know that something is wrong, that God forbids it, and I choose to do it anyway. Here would be an example of conscious sin:
When I was in sixth grade (1967), I vividly remember sitting at the lunch table with the other “smart” kids, and for some reason everyone around the table was speaking ugly, hurtful things about a new girl, Mary. I remember thinking of something “funny” to say about the shape of her lips, something that, of course, was not under her control. I proceeded to say that ugly, hurtful thing, knowing that it was wrong to join in with this teasing, or, really, bullying of Mary. I’m still very unhappy with myself for going along with the crowd and hurting Mary.
If you think about your conscious sins, the ones you do after knowing that it’s wrong to do them, I’m sure you’ll have your own list, and I also have a list that’s far too big and quite current, not limited to 1967!
As I thought about these conscious sins during Sunday’s confession time, I decided I should write it all down. It came out in almost poetic form, though I’m no poet! Here’s what I wrote:
When I sin consciously, it truly is an act of unbelief, because
how can I knowingly choose to do what God forbids,
or fail to do what God commands
- If I truly believe that God:
- Exists
- Knows
- Watches
- Cares, and
- If I truly love God,
- Caring that He is offended
- Concerned about His breaking heart
- Aware of the potential for hurting His children, and
- If I truly accept His standards,
- Loving what He loves
- Hating what He hates
- Choosing what He chooses because He chose it.
When I know something is wrong, and I choose to do it anyway,
I have shouted an ugly, strident, discordant NO! at Jesus.
No wonder the book of Hebrews says we crucify Him anew.
OK, that’s what I wrote. Now I need to finish the job–that’s only the Law! The Gospel is this–Jesus forgives us no matter how many times we re-nail him to the cross. It’s not good to crucify him anew (how’s that for an understatement!), but remember that he’s the one who said, “Father, forgive them,” right as the nails were being driven in by the Roman soldiers.
My conscious sins are dangerous to my soul, because they are acts of unbelief, but thank God, so far He has always brought me back from them, given me true repentance, and healed me.
My reason for sharing all this with you is to encourage you, not to depress you. I want you to focus not on the magnitude of your sin, but on the incredible magnitude of the Love that rescues you from it! If Jesus forgives me even when I consciously sin, He must love me very, very much.
And my response to that love is to renew my resolve to not fall into sin. When I’ve been tempted so far this week, I have, by God’s grace, felt true revulsion and genuine horror at the thought of rejecting my Savior, and that has helped me avoid quite a few sins. I’m sure I’ve fallen into many unconscious sins still this week, but I think I have committed fewer of the others, the dangerous ones, the acts of unbelief.
I hope this is helpful to you! God bless you!
P.S. There’s “the rest of the story” to the apple pie saga, if you ask me in person I’ll share it with you!